| Author | Message | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1359 Registered: 08-2003 |
Original: Fragments You brought me stones of Rialto and Pons Aemilus, determined to show me the beginnings of things. It was your way to carry the past in your pocket, portions of a century you could transpose into memory taking their roughness in your palms willing their power to pervade your emptiness. Buildings are only derelicts, you said, only the Façade was worth preservation. So you and the others stuffed your bags, greedy for an identity— a face, an accidental finger, remnants of a curve. Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of Mulsum stays on my tongue mingled with the dust. Now my remains stand in the Tiber watch the back of a lost city. Your small body recedes into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. (Message edited by emusing on July 26, 2005) Revised: Fragments Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. You brought me stones from Pons Aemilius, determined to show me the beginnings of things. The way you carried time in your pocket, fragments of a century you could transpose seizing their roughness in your palms willing their past into you. I watched you fill your bag, greedy for an identity, a face, remnants of a hand. Buildings are only derelicts, you said. only the façade is worth preservation. I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of mulsum stays on my tongue, mingles with the dust. I arch into the Tiber and witness your small body recede into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. *mulsum – a Roman wine of grape and honey. (Message edited by emusing on August 03, 2005) | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 64 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi E well this has some very nice stuff in it. first you have a small typo, aemilus s/b aemilius. in s1, you set up the 'you' as someone who brings you stone fragments of ancient bridges of italy, 'to show' the narrator. interesting, that he (assuming a 'he') doesn't give you these stones but only shows them and keeps them. and thus, you have set up a nice metaphor of someone who clings to the ancient structures. sooo, that being said, i think you can take out s2 as it merely restates or 'tells' what can be inferred from s1. i would consider adding a line to s1 that emphasizes the fact that he brought them to show but does not 'give'. s3 is a fragment and i think you should make it a complete sentence. also, the word 'taking' is one i would look at replacing with something more unusual. also, something more image based than 'emptiness' would be preferable i think. any form of the word empty has just been used to death. sooo, what i get from s3 is he is using the artifacts to replace some missing piece of himself. so my advice is to say that. specifically name the piece he is missing. i.e., sometimes its better if i just give you an example to help illustrate what i'm trying to communicate (which being a man, is an unatural thing to do lol) you roughed Roman dust into your palms, wish the rock would form new bridges. this is just off the top of my head, but you see how it shows the emptiness without having to say it? ok on to s4, i think a bit of transition is needed here. you go from bridges to buildings kind of abruptly, hmm. somehow, i think putting the italiced part -- which i do like very much-- next would work better. then s4/5. oh, in the current s4 you have some direct quotes, i would go ahead and put them in quotes. now in s6 you switch to present tense in which he leaves you for yet another expedition in the search for his own inner peace. i think to accentuate the time change, i would start s6 with 'my remains stand in the Tiber. I shape your stones...' also, i would switch 'mingled' to 'mingles' to keep the tense consistant. i would get out the thesaurus again and try to find some better words for 'watch' 'back' and 'lost'. oh, and 'dream' as well. another one of them words used to death. very nice ending to this. ok there's a bunch of stuff to chew on, use or not, just my two cents. good luck s | ||
| Don Schaeffer
Advanced Member Username: don_schaeffer Post Number: 25 Registered: 12-2003 |
This is just the kind of poem I have trouble critiquing. It's so full of guts and style I really think it can go as it stands. The one small point is "beginnings of things" can simply be "beginnings." | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1360 Registered: 08-2003 |
Steve this is a spot on crit. I couldn't step outside this one much to get a perspective. I'm going to copy this and chew on some of these changes. I do tend to get lazy with my descriptions and fall back on simple language although I do think even over used words can work if used well. There's a lot of rework to be done here so I'll get to it and come back with a revision based on your feedback. Thanks for your time on this. I wanted to salvage this poem, and now I think I can. Don, gee that's a kind thing to say! I'm afraid it needs a bit of a overhaul but thanks for reading  E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2553 Registered: 07-2002 |
E, Just playing with this to see how longer lines/couplets might feel. Fragments You brought me stones [of] (from) Rialto and Pons Aemilus, determined to show me the beginnings of things. [It was] Your way to carry the past in your pocket, portions of a century you could transpose into memory taking their roughness in your palms willing their power to pervade your emptiness. Buildings are only derelicts [,you said,] only the Façade [was] worth preservation. So you [and the others] stuffed your bags, greedy for [an] identity-- a face, an accidental finger, remnants of a curve. Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of [Mulsum] (Muslim) stays on my tongue mingled with the dust. [Now] My remains stand in the Tiber watch the back of a lost city. Your small body recedes into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. Just some thoughts for you to consider in this fine piece. The only phrase that pulled me out of the intensity of the relationship of these 2 people was 'and the others'. I think adding anyone else detracts from that intensity. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1238 Registered: 12-2003 |
Hello E, ljc has mirrored my thoughts as I read this wonderful piece. I also saw the longer lines here. So I'm going to be useless and not offer anything further, other than echoing ljc's suggestions. I look forward to seeing what you decide to do with this. Lia | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1362 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lisa that was very helpful. I love cuplets and never thought of using that form for this work. It does give it more breathing room! Removing the reference to "us" makes the poem more meaningful. Very good that. I like the piece better now Hi Lia, You're never useless! Having you take a look is always helpful to me. Merci. E | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1363 Registered: 08-2003 |
P.S. Mulsum is an ancient Roman wine (not a typo).  E | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1364 Registered: 08-2003 |
Fragments You brought me stones from Rialto and Pons Aemilius, determined to show me the beginnings of things. How you could carry time in your pocket, portions of a century you could transpose seizing their roughness in your palms willing their past into you. I watched you fill your bag, greedy for an identity, a face, a broken quiver, remnants of a hand. Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of Mulsum stays on my tongue mingles with the dust. I arch my body in the slick banks of the Tiber and witness your disappearance. Your small body recedes into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. *Muslum – a Roman wine. (Message edited by emusing on July 27, 2005) | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1365 Registered: 08-2003 |
or alternative ending with the dust. I arch my body in the slick banks of the Tiber and witness your body recede to a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2558 Registered: 07-2002 |
E--I think either of you endings work, but I do miss the fascade line. Oh, and thanks for telling me that Mulsum was a Roman wine! Perhaps if it was not capitalized? This is a fine piece, E. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1374 Registered: 08-2003 |
Thanks Lisa, It still feels a bit bumpy to me but it is definitely better. I may try to bring the facade back. Appreciate your help on this! E | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1244 Registered: 12-2003 |
Hi E, I personally like the previous ending, but may be another word for 'disappearance'? 'departure.'.. may be something else? something less than 4 syllables I felt. I liked the 'facade' lines too. can I offer this.. 'I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of Mulsum stays on my tongue mingles' ',mingles' or 'and mingles' or 'mingled' .. only because I bumped there. It's a wonderful piece E, if it feels a bit bumpy to you, it might be just a light dusting, because, for me (with the facade line, smiles) it's smashing. lia | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1379 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lia et al. One mo time. I put the facade back in, changed the placement of the first italics. Took your two changes Lia "mingles" and "departure." Fragments Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. . You brought me stones from Pons Aemilius, determined to show me the beginnings of things. The way you carried time in your pocket, portions of a century you could transpose seizing their roughness in your palms willing their past into you. I watched you fill your bag, greedy for an identity, a face, remnants of a hand. Buildings are only derelicts, you said. only the façade is worth preservation I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of mulsum stays on my tongue mingles with the dust. I arch into the Tiber and witness your small body recede into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. *Muslum – a Roman wine. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1385 Registered: 08-2003 |
Oops I mistakenly double posted! Didn't know I couldn't place this in both light critique and heavy critique (was thinking heavy critique was like a "workshop. My error. So...I'm deleting my post from the light critique and moving any comments over here. I had this in workshop (Heavy Critique) and its come a ways. Any more nits from the group would be appreciated. Fragments Another war has ended. A city collapses upon itself. Somehow these bridges still stand. You brought me stones from Pons Aemilius, determined to show me the beginnings of things. The way you carried time in your pocket, fragments of a century you could transpose seizing their roughness in your palms willing their past into you. I watched you fill your bag, greedy for an identity, a face, remnants of a hand. "Buildings are only derelicts," you said. "Only the façade is worth preservation." I shape your stones into shadows leaving. The taste of mulsum stays on my tongue, mingles with the dust. I arch as a bridge into the Tiber, witness your small body recede into a boy so young he can only dream of the next stone he will take. *muslum – a Roman wine of grapes and honey. Cary Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 103 Registered: 07-2005 Posted on Friday, July 29, 2005 - 5:37 pm: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E... I must admit, I puzzled over the significance of "Pons Aemilius" and so when I Googled it and learned that it was the oldest stone bridge in Rome, all the pieces fell into place. It seems that the subject (an italian man?) marvels over the stones of a fallen bridge which metaphorically parallels the stones he takes from the speaker since she has keenly suggested that she is also a bridge. Where I'm left reaching is when you suggest that he can "only dream of the next stone he will take". I'm guessing this means that the speaker is what connects him to that time of innocence where he only aspires to self-destruct his relationships with others. It's quite brilliant... the full circle metaphor... even if I'm looking at it from the wrong angle. Nits? Well, in S3, I'm wondering if you might consider making: "fragments of a century you could transpose" read like this: you could transpose fragments of a century. To me, it feels backwards. Aside from that, this is pretty smooth and I like that it challenged me. Cary... Emusing Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1384 Registered: 08-2003 Posted on Friday, July 29, 2005 - 5:53 pm: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cary, glad you googled. I am fascinated by this bridge. I've looked at several photos of it and I find it absolutely haunting. For the trouble you may have had in deciphering the message you get an A+. Your interpretation is very close. The last lines symbolize a return to his dreams of innocence, yes, when the magic of "stones" was that, and not the devastation he causes in the "taking." Yes she is a bridge, who arches. I'm glad that came through. Here is another stunning photo. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://myweb.lmu.edu/fjust/Rome/tbr15-25.jpg&imgrefurl=http://myweb.lmu.edu/fjust/Rome-Tiber.htm&h=544&w=777&sz=77&tbnid=G3c1yq1z4K8J:&tbnh=98&tbnw=141&hl=en&start=23&prev=/images%3Fq%3DPons%2BAemilius%26start%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN Check out photo #7 On that line, I'll have to play with it. I see what you mean, but not yet sure how to correct it so it's not too many pronouns altogether. Thanks for your insights into my poem. E (Message edited by emusing on July 29, 2005) Kathy Paupore Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2243 Registered: 12-2003 Posted on Friday, July 29, 2005 - 7:02 pm: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E, wonderful feel to this piece. K | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 103 Registered: 07-2005 |
E... I must admit, I puzzled over the significance of "Pons Aemilius" and so when I Googled it and learned that it was the oldest stone bridge in Rome, all the pieces fell into place. It seems that the subject (an italian man?) marvels over the stones of a fallen bridge which metaphorically parallels the stones he takes from the speaker since she has keenly suggested that she is also a bridge. Where I'm left reaching is when you suggest that he can "only dream of the next stone he will take". I'm guessing this means that the speaker is what connects him to that time of innocence where he only aspires to self-destruct his relationships with others. It's quite brilliant... the full circle metaphor... even if I'm looking at it from the wrong angle. Nits? Well, in S3, I'm wondering if you might consider making: "fragments of a century you could transpose" read like this: you could transpose fragments of a century. To me, it feels backwards. Aside from that, this is pretty smooth and I like that it challenged me. Cary... | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1384 Registered: 08-2003 |
Cary, glad you googled. I am fascinated by this bridge. I've looked at several photos of it and I find it absolutely haunting. For the trouble you may have had in deciphering the message you get an A+. Your interpretation is very close. The last lines symbolize a return to his dreams of innocence, yes, when the magic of "stones" was that, and not the devastation he causes in the "taking." Yes she is a bridge, who arches. I'm glad that came through. Here is another stunning photo. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://myweb.lmu.edu/fjust/Rome/tbr15-25.jpg&imgrefurl=http://myweb.lmu.edu/fjust/Rome-Tiber.htm&h=544&w=777&sz=77&tbnid=G3c1yq1z4K8J:&tbnh=98&tbnw=141&hl=en&start=23&prev=/images%3Fq%3DPons%2BAemilius%26start%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN Check out photo #7 On that line, I'll have to play with it. I see what you mean, but not yet sure how to correct it so it's not too many pronouns altogether. Thanks for your insights into my poem. E (Message edited by emusing on July 29, 2005) | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2243 Registered: 12-2003 |
E, wonderful feel to this piece. K | ||
| Alan McAlpine Douglas
New member Username: aland Post Number: 9 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dear E, Yes, definitely taking shape ! The 1st 3 lines - it seems you want to "connect" them, yet you have 3 short sentences. How about : Another war has ended with a city collapsed upon itself; somehow, these bridges still stand. Further down : "Buildings are only derelicts," you said. "Only the façade is worth preservation." 2 "only" in 2 lines, hmmmmm ... How about : "Buildings are mere derelicts," you say. "Only façades are worth preservation." which also logics up the buildingS with plural facadeS ? And "you say" makes it timeless, which blends with you other theme ? Love Alan Poet and Part-Time Philosopher |
